Relationships: Why We Have Affairs

Relationships: Why We Have Affairs

Relationships are consistently a popular topic in sessions. Two weeks ago, I discussed Relationships: Soul Groups and Soul Contracts. If you missed it, click here to read. This week, I want to explore relationships further and how they contribute to our personal awareness and evolution. I am talking about 'normal' relationships, one without trauma, abuse, addiction or narcissism.

Affairs occur. Whether physically, mentally, or emotionally, they happen. However, before judging someone for looking beyond their commitment, remember it's not your place to judge; instead, it's an opportunity to seek understanding. The explanation I provide will offer you a new perspective on affairs and how to use them for self-development and growth. I must note that I do not condone affairs. Betrayal is extremely hurtful and traumatizing. Losing trust in a relationship is painful and can take years to recover from. I read it can take three years to recover and even longer without a therapist's help. When I was young and in college, my boyfriend of three years cheated on me with his first high school girlfriend. I was walking to class with my friends. We had a test that morning in anatomy and physiology, a class and teacher I adored. As we approached our building, we glanced through the trees to the parking lot of an adjacent building and saw my boyfriend, leaning against his car with his arms around her. He had a unique car and was the only one in town, so it was unmistakably him. My friends and I were shocked, to say the least. I was devastated and burst into tears. I was shaking and couldn't possibly take an exam. Fortunately, my professor was understanding and sympathetic to what happened. I remember feeling so crushed and hurt, unsure of what I would say to him. Speaking with my mom about everything, she shared a quote by Thomas Aquinas, "When regard for truth has been broken, all things remain doubtful." We did not recover.

In a monogamous relationship, faithfulness is often an assumed expectation. However, there are times when you may feel bored or find the relationship becoming monotonous. Perhaps you're not growing together or failing to connect emotionally or mentally. Your soul might be craving something exciting, new, or fresh. You might feel neglected, unseen, or unheard, or perhaps you feel taken for granted. Gradually, you might start fantasizing about someone who completely adores you, wants to learn everything about you, and desires to share things with you. This is where the slippery slope begins. An old love might get in touch, or you might start reminiscing about past relationships. Regardless, you feel something is missing in your life, and it's natural to blame your partner or focus on the deficiencies in your relationship, thinking it no longer fulfills your needs. Before seeking solace outside the marriage, consider this an opportunity for introspection. There is something within you that feels incomplete and is seeking wholeness. Note: this also applies to someone who is single but maybe attracted to two very different people.

Last week, I discussed the  5 Levels of Being. We exist mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and vibrationally. We connect with others vibrationally and then more specifically in one, two, three, or all four of these aspects. Not everyone will meet you on all levels, and it's actually rare to connect on all four. If you connect with someone mentally and emotionally but lack a physical and spiritual connection, another person might enter your life and fulfill those physical and spiritual needs. The mistake is believing that this person is responsible for these feelings and attributing them to them. These feelings are yours and already within you. No one can make you feel something; you are in control of that. So before telling someone you make me feel alive or loved or adored, take responsibility for those feelings yourself. Similarly, before telling someone you make me feel insignificant, small, unworthy, take responsibility for those feelings too. It's your responsibility to address your own feelings and needs.

The Affair Triangle symbolizes the relationship of one individual with two others. Even if nothing has occurred or will occur, this concept can be used to identify areas within yourself that require attention. Imagine yourself at the top of the triangle, with the other two people at the bottom on opposite sides. On one side, you can express one aspect of yourself, while on the other side, a different aspect emerges. Relationships offer us the chance to reveal different facets of ourselves. The Affair Triangle highlights the parts of you that are not in harmony. Ideally, your completeness comes from integrating these aspects, and it is YOUR responsibility to manage that. Affairs arise when there is a deficiency in the relationship, but by addressing this deficiency and taking responsibility for your own needs, affairs can be prevented. Affairs reveal what is lacking in your life, and no one else can fulfill that for you. Ultimately, it is your duty to meet your own needs in a healthy and loving manner. Sometimes, this may mean leaving the relationship. Other times, it involves seeking new social circles or engaging with different organizations that allow you to express yourself in desired ways.

Co-dependency occurs when your emotions are linked to someone else's actions. Your task is to feel complete within yourself. Ultimately, affairs highlight where we feel incomplete and disconnected internally. Allow your happiness and sense of completeness to exist independently of any relationship! Then, pursue a relationship that mirrors your wholeness or collaborate with your partner to reach that point. If your current partner isn't interested in growing or changing with you, that's perfectly fine. Everyone has the right to live as they choose. You might then decide that you have outgrown this relationship. Alternatively, you may choose to stay because it fulfills your need for safety and security. The choice is yours.

An affair is never, ever about something being wrong with you. If your partner strayed, it reflects their own insecurities or feelings of lack. It is not about you. However, is there a chance for you to grow in new ways? Does this disconnect also mirror a disconnection within yourself? Recovery can be more manageable when you understand that everyone seeks wholeness and connection. Everyone desires to exist in all facets of being, and a healthy relationship provides the foundation for this to happen naturally. Communication is essential. Being able to recognize and articulate your needs is crucial. Take responsibility. Express yourself. Allow your partner the chance to respond differently, and then proceed from there.

Reflecting on my college boyfriend through the lens of the Affair Triangle helps me understand that there was nothing wrong with me. At the time, I understandably took it personally because I didn't know any better. It wasn't that I wasn't enough or good enough. Like his cars, he was drawn to things that were shiny, new, and dynamic. Having grown up with the Ugly Duckling syndrome, he became addicted to the attention he received for his cars, money, and family success. Despite this, he was one of the kindest and sweetest people, and he remains so today. He got caught up in the newfound attention, but I'm pleased to say that he eventually figured things out, got married, and has five children. They are all thriving and happy.

Lastly, if you can't figure out what you need to see in your relationships, please consider booking a session with me. Your Guides can bring awareness, understanding and relief and give you a perspective that will make sense to you. That goes for ANY relationship, not just romantic ones.

Have a most magical and wonderful day. Be the Great Creator in your life! Mind your thoughts, words and actions and let them be ones that allow you to live authentically. I look forward to connecting with you soon!

Betsey

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